


Enough

by Burgie



Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: M/M, warning for suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:00:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: Jack gives in to the darkness. Jack belongs to SSO-Jack-Wolfwatcher.





	Enough

Jack knew that things were getting bad when he wouldn't even let Halli into his room. He just listened to the fox scratching and whining at the door as he lay there in his bed, smothered by the oppressive weight of the demons in his mind. The dick in his head, as he called it when he didn't feel like giving it power. But it did have power. It had too much power. And maybe, if it was between his legs instead of in his head, Jack wouldn't feel so bad. But maybe even that wouldn't be enough to keep it away. After all, getting top surgery hadn't helped. If anything, it had just given his mind another reason to hate him. His best friend had given him the money fix his body, but he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve the kindness that his friends or fiance gave him, and he certainly didn't deserve to have three loyal companions in the forms of a dog, a squirrel, and a fox. His wild animals should go back to the wild, and as for Walter... Ydris could look after him better than Jack could. Jack couldn't even look after himself some days, how the hell was he supposed to look after creatures that relied on him for care?

Halli left after a while. Jack wished that it didn't make him cry. He'd been doing that all day, like the darkness was squeezing tears out of his eyes. His pillow was wet with tears now, and he'd stopped wiping them away a long time ago. Apparently, his mind thought it would be fun to replay every bad thing that had ever happened to Jack, every barb. The fights with Ydris, the way his fiance had always just internalised all of Jack's problems and put up with his shit when he really didn't have to. Ydris didn't need a future husband who had bad days, he needed someone fun, someone to perform with. Maybe that Figg girl. At least she didn't have body issues and mental health problems. Jack's entire being was body issues and mental health problems. Why couldn't he just be a girl, like everyone thought he was? He'd been born a girl, after all. Maybe Ellie wouldn't have these problems.

And thinking like that only made Jack feel worse. He remembered that his mother had said that her daughter had died when Jack told her that he wanted to be called 'Jack' and referred to with male pronouns now. It had been a mistake, to come out to his parents while he still lived at home. Whenever it had been that time of the month, his mother had insisted that it was his body just telling him what he knew was false.

"You're a girl, Ellie, even your body thinks so. Why can't you just be a normal girl, why do you have to act like this? You were born a girl, and you'll always be one in my eyes." His mother's response to him saying that he was trans would haunt him forever. And if it was the last thing he remembered, well, at least it was what he deserved. What she deserved, too.

"If you were a lad, you'd have one of these." His father had grabbed his own crotch for emphasis, reminding Jack of what he didn't have. "But you don't, so you're a girl. I mean, just look at your boobs."

Well, at least he didn't have those anymore. But he still didn't have the things he needed so that everyone would see that he was a guy. His friends called him by the right pronouns and name, yes, and his fiance was wonderful about it. But it didn't help that every time he went to the bathroom, every time he showered, every time it was that time of the month, every time he had sex or masturbated, he was reminded that he wasn't actually a man. Not in body. God, why did he have to be such a burden on everyone? They'd be better off without him, he knew that. They'd notice that he was gone, and they'd mourn, but they wouldn't miss him after a while. They'd find a new friend. The animals wouldn't even notice that he was gone, they were animals, they had better things to worry about. Like their families, and predators, and keeping themselves fed and sheltered. Ydris would find someone else to love, someone who wasn't trans and depressed and suicidal.

That night that he'd come out to his parents, Jack had sat in the shower, arms wrapped around his knees, feeling numb as he watched his blood run down the drain. His body bled without his say-so every month, making him question himself. He'd known that he was trans for months, of course, despite his body not catching the hint. And he'd decided that it was a great idea to have control over how his body bled, and where.

Now, it was go-to method of quieting the demons. Yes, he was bad, and yes, he was being punished. It made the demons in his mind shut up for a little while, at least. And his parents never questioned the bloody tissues, assuming that it was just his period. Idiots. And Ydris didn't want him to cut, but he still did. He couldn't help it, not when he got this low.

He wasn't good to have around children. And not just because he was trans, but because he was gay. His identity was unsuitable for children. R-rated, basically. Triple X, the way some parents were acting. His mother had said that he should be more maternal. He'd corrected her, saying that surely she meant paternal. But she'd corrected him in turn. No, he had to be maternal, he was a woman, after all, and someday he'd give his husband many wonderful children, and then he'd see how it was to have a child who decided that they were gay or trans. But it wasn't a decision, it wasn't. What was a decision was her absolute refusal to accept him for who he was. When he refused to answer to 'Ellie', she refused to have him in her house. She'd kicked him out with no money, nothing but the clothes on his back. And she'd told him that he'd chosen this by choosing to be trans.

When Jack had considered putting himself down like a sick dog at the shelter where he'd worked and had free board after he'd been kicked out, a gift had landed on the floor just inside his door, a gift in the form of a flyer about the summer program at Jorvik.

But even that happiness had only been fleeting. Of course his demons had followed him here, of course transphobia still existed on an island of horses. There were good things, yes, but... when he felt like this, thinking about the good things had no effect on Jack's mind. His fiance would miss him, his animals would miss him, his friends would miss him, but... so what? Living was too hard.

He didn't know what to write on the note, so he decided to keep it simple. I love you and I'm sorry. Goodbye. He took his ring off, leaving it on the note.

The only time Jack got out of bed was to go to the bathroom. He could starve, he could stink, but he still had to use the toilet. Not this time. This time, he went to the shower and picked up his razor. He never used it to shave, and he still didn't now. Cracking open the plastic was ridiculously easy, he didn't even care that the sharp, broken plastic cut open the pads of his fingers. He gripped the blade in his fist, relishing the pain, needing it to quiet the demons.

They didn't shut up, so Jack dug deeper.

"Look at you, you're a fucking mess." I know that, shut up.

"Failure, fuck-up, whiny baby, you don't deserve happiness." Shut up, shut up, shut up.

There was still some skin that hadn't been toughened with scar tissue yet.

"I'm sorry, Ydris," Jack whispered, tears still hanging from his lashes, and made the first cut. There were definitely cleaner ways to do this, but Jack figured that his own twisted form of 'self-care' was as good a way as any to go out. Blood splattered onto the tiles, and Jack did not envy the cleaning crew who'd have to come through later to clean this up.

The quickest way out, at least with this meagre blade, was across his wrists, and Jack knew this. But he'd hoped that maybe, by some miracle, just cutting would be enough. It wasn't. But Jack still hesitated with the blade hovering over his wrist. It was slippery with blood, so he'd really have to saw through, which would hurt. But didn't he deserve pain? Yes, he did. Even as the pain made him sob and consider backing out, like a coward. The blade dug deeper, and more blood flowed over his fingers. His hand felt strange, and Jack swayed but managed to get the job done on that wrist. Now for the other one, but his hand was weak, and his vision was greying, and maybe this was it. He'd thought that death would feel more peaceful. Just another lie. It hurt, and the darkness wasn't going away, either. There was darkness encroaching on his vision, though. Was this it?

Jack lost his footing and fell, landing heavily in the pool of blood. He groaned but still kept trying to slice that last vein. It was within easy reach, but so hard to... so hard to...

"Jack? Jack!" Ydris' voice, and the pounding of his fists on the bathroom door, seemed muffled and far away to Jack's ears. He closed his eyes, feeling weak and sore and sorry that he'd even been born. At least now, his mother would have a dead son too.

For the longest time, Jack had thought that the afterlife would be full of dogs. He'd been lied to. 

Heaven, as it turned out, was a hospital room. White everywhere. Maybe he had to be healed first, the old-fashioned way. That sucked. There were sticking plasters and bandages wrapped around his wrists, and an IV bringing blood into his body. But his ring was back on, and he'd taken it off before he'd... Jack closed his eyes again, just wanting to sleep.

Ydris wouldn't let him. He saw that Jack was awake, and immediately walked over to him, taking Jack's face in his hands.

"Hey, you're awake," said Ydris.

"What are you doing here?" Jack murmured. "Are you dead too?"

"No," said Ydris, stroking Jack's cheek with his thumb. "And you're not dead, either. I found you in time."

"You didn't have to," said Jack, looking away from his fiance's kind and worried gaze. "You should've just left me there. I mean, look at me, I tried to leave you permanently."

"I'm not going to judge you for that," said Ydris, tears slipping down his cheeks. "And I'm not going to leave you, either. Because I love you, Jack. And I know that those words won't mean much to you when you're down like this, but I still want to always let you know that. There are people you can talk to, Jack."

"Nobody who'd understand," said Jack. "I don't exactly have many trans friends. I have gay friends, but that's different."

"Then for heaven's sake, make some!" said Ydris. "Even if that's all you have in common, at least you'll have someone to talk to. Someone who will understand. I just don't want to lose you."

"You're going to someday, anyway," said Jack. "I'm mortal, in case you haven't noticed."

"We all die someday, but I don't want your mental illness to take you," said Ydris. "Let old age take you."

"I don't know why I got so down," said Jack. "It's not like I was triggered by anything. I'm just broken."

"You just have periods of darkness sometimes," said Ydris. "I know that. I should have recognised the signs."

"You were busy gearing up for a big show, I didn't want to distract you with my issues," said Jack.

"Jack, you can always distract me with your issues," said Ydris. "I know what I signed up for. Taking time off to look after you is worth it, just to keep you alive."

"But it's your dream," said Jack.

"Yes, it is, but you are the most important thing in my life, Jack," said Ydris. "And if you died because I was too caught up in my work to notice how you were feeling, I'd never forgive myself."

"It just seems selfish," said Jack.

"Selfish? No. Knowing that you're happy will make me happy," said Ydris. "And keeping you alive makes me happy, too. You're not a burden, Jack, no matter how much you think you are. You help so many people, and you make me happy, and you take such good care of your animal companions and horses."

"Yeah, such good care that I was considering leaving them all behind," said Jack. "I feel like shit."

"I'm sure you'll feel better after you rest," said Ydris. "Just remember to take your meds. You were being so good with them."

"Okay," said Jack. Fighting was too hard. And so was life, but... life had Ydris. And horses. And good things somewhere, somehow, even if they were fleeting. It was just hard to remember that sometimes.


End file.
